One of the things I have been doing while I have been waiting (apart from waiting for the postman, rushing to the phone everytime it rings and checking my email several times per day) is reflecting and thinking.
As I stated in my first post, I made an initial enquiry almost 4 years ago. Then my life was very different. My bro and SIL had just had their first child who was a baby. I was considering adopting (if as a single person it was allowed) two school age children as that age group was where I had the most experience. Toddlers and small children, quite frankly, were a bit boring. My small nephew though gorgeous, was just a baby, he didn’t do much and I had no real relationship with him. I also wasn’t particularly close to my brother or sister in law.
Now things are very different. I have two young nephews who are part of my life and who I enjoy spending time with. I feel closer to my family and its been partly through my relationship with my nephews as they are growing. I also have friends in the area with similar aged children. It now feels important that the child/children I adopt fit in (as far as they can) with my wider family, nephews included, and friends. I think even my nephews will have their part to play in welcoming and supporting the new addition/s to our family (if I get that far etc etc). I also obviously now have more experience with younger children. This means in my head I am now erring towards considering the younger age range of children, even though I know this may mean a longer wait.
I’m not sure about how many children now – I’m hoping that’s something I can work out with a social worker/through the process. Two younger children still seems more ‘demanding’ than two older children but may be its just a different kind of ‘demanding’, as obviously older children who have been through the care system have complex needs. May be given time I could to apply to adopt another at a later date…but I guess that would depend on how awful I find the process this time round, if indeed I even get as far as applying to adopt!
Another Mountain 
Oooh, these are difficult choices. Do you know any other adoptive families you could talk to so that you could get a glimpse into the lives of people with different ages and numbers of children? I foster 0-3 year olds and have adopted a 2-year-old as a single carer and it can be pretty hard work – it’s certainly 24-7! But, like you, I have friends with similar-aged children. In fact I have very little experience of primary-aged children but much more experience with teens, and I knew I didn’t have what it takes to foster teens on my own!
#WASO
I don’t know any adoptive families in this area, no. The families I knew live quite far away now. I am hoping when I am finally assigned a social worker (if that’s even how it works now) that I will be able to be put in touch certainly with some single adopters as I’ve never met any or spoken with any! But I’m a long way off making any certain decisions and I’m hoping through the process all these things will become clearer…??? Thank you for reading. x
It’s such a difficult decision to make. And I can recall how we fretted over it. However, I would say, make your decision but still hold it lightly. Don’t hold it as a MUST. Think of it as a preference – there are always options and sometimes your non-ideal choice turns out to be the perfect choice in hindsight. And over time things change – like you say, there may the chance for a second bite…
In our case, we’ve always wanted 2 children (or more if you speak to my wife!) Fr as long as I can remember in our relationship. So, we applied to be approved to adopt up to 2 kids and that’s how we were approved. We always assumed that we would end up with a sibling pair in one fell swoop. Or only big stipulation was age as being pre-school. Well, best laid plans… A year ago we adopted a single child, a little boy of 18 months, and right now we’re loving it. Will we apply to adopt a second? Well, probably Yes, whenever we’re allowed.
If that does work out we’ll be over the moon. However, here’s the thing. Although we’re now in a sub-optimal position as regards our original decisions if we never end up adopting a sibling for our little ‘un then we’ll still consider ourselves to be the happiest and luckiest parents in the world. I hope that doesn’t should too gushy and idealistic – alongside that we’re a very determined couple and can be as hard nosed as you like when we want to. However, no one can tell the future and sometimes the unexpected and unplanned can have joy in it too… Wishing you all the best as yo u embark on your journey.
I think it might be worth trying to speak with some other adoptive parents before you are allocated a social worker. SS might we willing to give you some contacts. Nothing beats speaking to other adoptive parents and it will show SS that you are interested and willing.
If you haven’t already, you could try connecting with some other adoptive parents on twitter – some adopted two at once, some of us just one, some adopted one/two to start with, then more later, some are single adopters, some couples, a whole range. If you need any help with this then do shout – either at theboysbehaviour@gmail.com or theadoptionsocial@gmail.com
Thanks for linking up with The Weekly Adoption Shout Out x
Thanks – this is all really very helpful.
Didn’t realise there was the option to adopt ‘up to’ a certain amount of children. Thought it was a little more confined than that, so that’s good to know, somehow it leaves things a little more open to making sure you find the right child/children than it being too prescribed.
As for not leaving meeting other adopters until I’m ‘allocated a social worker’ …I really meant once whoever from SS actually makes contact with me to discuss my initial inquiry. I read in a book to ask SS to put you in touch with adopters in a similar circumstance to yourself and I will do that as I think it would be very useful – my first post explains other (married) adopters have already had a role in my journey so far. I think I’m getting myself confused with terminology because the letter that came with the pack said if I had any questions about the new system I could, ‘ask my social worker once they have been allocated’ – so I presumed that would be soon?!
I am in contact with some adopters on Twitter (who have all been incredibly helpful) via direct message and just followed others but my Twitter profile and this blog are not linked for good reasons to do with my job. 😉
Thank you for your help/advice! 🙂