All change!

When I adopted my son I had a great SW. She and I ‘clicked’. She saw me right through from the very first initial chat through to three months into placement. She was lovely but she liked things done ‘by the book’. At the time I resented that a bit, but actually I totally knew where I stood – like the day she called me and told me she’d found me a match, there was no doubt it was going to work out.

My SW this time was nice but we haven’t ‘clicked’ in the same way. There are things she has said and done which I know my last SW would be spinning about – like showing up at only panel minutes before we were due to go in. When I said I wasn’t even sure we were waiting in the right building she just kind of shrugged. It took her weeks to reply to emails, if she chose to acknowledge them at all, and she never gave me any other way of contacting her.  I took to nicknaming her ‘Queen of Cliches’ as my goodness I’ve heard them all – ‘sometimes people wait for a reason’, ‘what will be will be’, ‘if its right it will happen’. But she seemed to be very short on telling me facts or realistic outcomes. When she told me she was leaving I really wasn’t surprised, nor was I sad like with my last SW, I was actually a little relieved. But then came the worry of not knowing who would be my new SW and when they’d start on my case.

Thankfully this week I got an email from a new SW, giving me her text number and offering me some dates to meet. Within an hour of reading the email and responding via text, an appointment was set up. And then it happened, I got another text saying, ‘it will be good to chat properly and find out how you both are’ Complete with smily face emoji.

Find out how we both are? Wow. Though I’m not sure she’ll actually like the response…

Frustrated – that I still don’t know what is going on – that I have heard so many different messages coming from so many different sources over the last few months – even in my last meeting with my SW – that I don’t know what or who to believe any more. I’m not even certain what match criteria they are working to!

Disheartened – because the ‘failed match’ was presented to me at approval panel, I don’t look back at that day with any real joy, as the excitement I felt at being approved became bound up in the excitement of finding out they had found me a daughter…only actually, they hadn’t really. So approval now holds painful emotions. And now with 3 months of waiting I just feel like we’re in it for the long haul…this may just be the tip of the iceberg of waiting – no one really knows. The day I found out the whole thing wasn’t happening I stopped even the tentative beginnings of sorting out the junk room that I started. And I can’t bring myself to start again because what’s the point – it may be months, years even? And though my SW tried to assure me I should never have been shown the profile, a SW somewhere still judged me, my family and what I felt I could offer a child and found me more than wanting. That still stings however you dress it up.

Anxious– a question I first asked 6 months ago should in the next few weeks finally be answered. What the answer will be I don’t know. Because I am feeling so disheartened, I am struggling to believe there is genuinely going to be any good news for us any time soon. Sadly not only do I suspect it will be a ‘no’ to a potential match with another child, I suspect the reason it will be a ‘no’ is because although I have been told I will be considered, I suspect actually I won’t be.

Apprehensive – when she visits I will be at the point I can join adoption link. This sounds like a great idea but in practice users report that it can be quite painful – reading profiles and falling in love with children only to find out their SW isn’t interested in you or has gone with a couple instead. By the point I have to make a profile I will have had quite enough of that!

Getting on with things – mostly I am trying to just get on with stuff…with life and my job. Spending time enjoying being able to lavish my attention upon just one child. Still trying to create memories even in the waiting. In fact there have been one or two times where I have actually wondered what I am doing – why do I want to spoil what I already have? Why am I putting myself through this when I have an amazing little boy already?

It is a weirdly tiring and emotionally draining time. I am hoping a new SW, a new pair of eyes, possibly some enthusiasm and some clear information might help pick me up a bit and carry me through for a while. The first indications are positive.

Advertisements

Limbo

I wake up and its the first thing on my mind – I wonder if today will be the day I hear something.

Every time the phone rings.

Every time my computer beeps to say I have a new email.

Its in the back of my mind in almost every conversation to do with my job.

A constant rumbling. A longing. For the child I am yet to meet. For any kind of news.

I think: May be today will be the day I hear something. Or may be this week. God, I hope its next week, if not.

But its never the call I want to get. Or the email.

Time ticks on.

And we stay in this limbo.

The Difference

This morning I have been to a meeting with other people who do the same job as me. It is a voluntary meeting, designed for mutual support. Due to the adoption process and training taking up extra time, it was a meeting that I opted not to or couldn’t attend since before Christmas.

So I turned up and discovered to my delight that a colleague was obviously pregnant – only 10 weeks to go. I, of course, offered her my congratulations. And then I witnessed the difference between what it is like to be expecting a child through biological means and what it is like to be an expectant adoptive mother.

During the course of the meeting my colleague was asked about her physical health, her mental health, her preparations for the birth, she was offered practical support, she was asked about her maternity leave, she was given gifts of clothing by another colleague, she was complemented on how well she was managing to cope with everything considering she was about to become a mother, she was complimented on how well she was looking, she was asked if she was excited, if she knew if it was a boy or a girl….and on and on.

At the end of the meeting, seeing as the senior person in the meeting had not told everyone, I announced that although I clearly was not pregnant, I was too an expectant Mum as I had been approved to adopt a second child.

Silence.

Tumbleweed.

No congratulations offered.

One person asked me the age range of the child who would come to live with me. I then started to describe how difficult this matching period was. The senior person cut in, I was thanked for sharing and the topic was changed hastily.

I came home and cried.