Two years ago I wrote this blog post. I’ve just found it in my drafts folder. I never posted it, I simply stopped blogging. But actually its pretty good! So I’m going to post it as I want to start blogging again and publically. I found out the people who were stirring, people who didn’t actually even know me, not really. I live far away from them now (thank goodness) but I still value my privacy as yes, there is now a young child involved.
I feel I have been very good on here at keeping my identity a secret. I have deliberately not mentioned what I actually do for a living (and when I have revealed it to one or two Twitter followers privately they have been surprised, suggesting that my cloak and daggerness has worked). I have never mentioned my name or any names of my family. I have been careful never to mention my location or even which area of the country I live in. I told off a friend for commenting with the name of one of my dogs for fear people would make a connection. I even started my very first post like this:
I am writing anonymously. Due to a high profile job, I would rather this was not too public as I go through the early stages of the process. If you are a friend and wish to comment please do so, but try to respect this. Thank you!
So imagine my surprise when I went to work tonight and a colleague told me that someone sideled up to him and said, ‘Is it true?’ Just that: ‘Is it true?’ He says to her, ‘Is what true?’ ‘That AM is adopting?’ He tells me he looked shocked and didn’t know what to say but didn’t lie and told the person it was true, that he and a small group of trusted people knew, but that was it. This lady then went on to tell him that someone who no longer has anything to do with the organisation I work for told her because I’d been blogging about it openly and they’d read it.
Blogging about it openly? Really? I don’t call this very open. The only way you would know that this was me is if you had been a follower of my personal Twitter account and then searched for my old handle on a search engine (or may be on Twitter itself) and blogposts then would possibly have come up. But you’ve got to be pretty sad or weird to be that interested in my life to do that in the first place, right? And yes, that request was just addressed to friends, because I never dreamed in a million years anyone would stumble across this blog who wasn’t a friend. Or at least ‘friendly’!
The fact that you found and read this blog isn’t what particularly bothers me. Read away, read all you like – that’s what its here for, to be read. But RESPECT the PRIVACY I have created on this blog. Gossiping about what you’ve read to others and this is me, when I’ve been deliberately private on here about who I am? Nope, don’t do that, that is NOT cool.
This is MY journey. MY story to tell. I WILL tell people, but when I feel it is the best time, for me and for them, to tell them. Spreading rumours and gossiping is not the right way to go. Revealing my story to other people when I have been deliberate in keeping it secret, is not your place. How DARE you think you have that right? I have written extensively about the people I have had to trust along the way, about the fear involved in recieving people’s reactions. For you to jump the gun and tell people before I am ready, so you can get your kicks and basically to stir, is just simply disgusting. This is MY life, MY future. Why do you think that just because of my job I am fair game? You do not own me. The people I actually work with don’t own me either. In fact as you no longer have anything to do with the organisation I work for, so why ARE you SO interested in me and my life in the first place? Seriously, I do think you may need some help.
This blog is primarily for me to log the stages and everything I have been through. But it has also provided me with a network of people who have walked this path before me and who are walking their own path up the same mountain with me. These are people who ‘get’ it, who understand, who sympathise and empathise. I write for me and I write for their advice and input, not for nosy parkers who just want to have a good gossip about my life. I made only a handful of friends aware of this blog, primarily because they are people I trust to hold this secret or because it is helping them in some way.
And what of my future child? If you have been so quick to point out to all and sundry this blog and that it is me who is writing it, what about his privacy? The main reason this blog is private and unidentifiable is for him. That’s why I changed my old Twitter handle – the one you must have been searching for – so that account and this blog could not be linked and that connection made. So that he would be kept safe from people who have harmed him in the past so that a casual slip of the tongue to someone doesn’t reveal who I am and then easily in turn who he is.
I haven’t decided yet what I will do with this blog. I have recieved varied and conflicting advice from my lovely Twiiter adopter friends. Some say for the sake of my (and my potential child’s privacy) I should delete all traces of this blog and certainly before a child is placed with me. Others say to make keep it private, just as it is at this current second – so that people only I invite can read it. Others say I should not give in to you – I should simply ignore you.
Some of the most important feedback to me has been from people behind me in the process who found that this blog (plus all the input and advice from other adopters) has helped them as they’ve started or gone through the process. I would be sad if this was lost for others in the future because some gossip couldn’t keep her mouth closed.
I hadn’t decided before this happened if I would continue blogging after a child is placed with me – may be that’s a nautral place for this blog to finish. May be (if I am successful at panel), I will be too busy getting on with the job of parenting to blog about doing it. If I am unsuccessful, well that’s easy, I know I will never return here again.
My plan to deal with this is as follows. It is two o clock in the morning. I am going to bed. Tomorrow I am going to speak with the woman who asked my colleague about it. I am going to ask her what she knows and who told her as I don’t want to act on something that has come secondhand.