The last couple of weeks has felt weird. My weekly routine, such as it is, is going to pot. I’m missing text messages. I’m forgetting to call people back. My usual Twitter account is becoming neglected. I’ve been asked to do something, agree and then forget. I’ll try to get on as usual and then something will happen and I’ll think, ‘Well, I wonder how I’d handle that situation a year from now’ or ‘I really should sort out XYZ but ….then again may be I won’t be around to see it through?’ Then before I know it, I’ve lost an hour with my ponderings when I should just get on with the issue at hand! Then I’m doing my weekly shop and I’m lingering far too long in the children’s clothes section, the toy aisle and the home furnishing departments. Areas I would have done my best to avoid a year ago. ‘Should I just get a few bits?’ I think to myself, ‘or is that tempting fate?’. ‘Ooh look at that <dinosaur lampshade> <cute jumper> <cool toy I’d quite like to play with>’ I think, ‘I could just get that, one thing wouldn’t hurt’. So far I’ve resisted. I fear once I open that floodgate there will be no shutting it again.
When I’m not actively working then my brain will automatically start chewing over things that I’ve discussed with my SW, and also the things that I know are going to come up over the next few weeks and the important decisions I’ll be making. The time my brain most likes chewing these things over at the moment seems to be between about 3-5am, either in the guise of panic filled dreams or I’m WIDE AWAKE. I’m hoping once I’ve actually made those decisions I’ll feel more confident and able to sleep!
And the problem is, of course, most people I come into contact with don’t have a clue why I am being so dippy at the moment. I see the raised eyebrows and I can feel the tutting. And even those who do know can forget easily what’s going on. Some people ask, but others who I thought would be full of questions just…aren’t. Some people are so confident that I’ll get approved that I don’t believe they understand why I would still be nervous or worried, or haven’t given any thought to what decisions I’d be making, ‘Well if they not going to approve you, then who would they approve?’ they say. I know they’re trying to be supportive but then that doesn’t leave me anywhere to go if I’m not approved. I am more than my job or role. But for everyone else around me, life carries on as normal and they expect me to as well.
When I described my stupidity to someone recently, they said, ‘well don’t forget you are expecting’! I laughed at her and said it isn’t quite the same. But she said, ‘no it is, quite a lot of the same questions and worries and doubts go through all future parents’ heads. The difference is with adoption, there is no baby bump to remind people what is going on for you and the major changes ahead’.
I asked on Twitter if there is such a thing as an adoption equivalent of ‘baby brain’ because if there is, then right now, I think I’ve got it!